Pink Butterflies

Happy 2015 to all!  I started this year with my 6 month visit to my Oncologist yesterday. I love Dr. Tan-Chiu, but I always have mixed feelings when I go there.  Even the smell of the medical building where her office is located can bring back a flood of memories from my early diagnosis and days of chemo.  I feel a twinge of fear, a rush of gratefulness, a sense of disbelief (still!)that I even had breast cancer, and all sorts of other bittersweet feelings and memories.  When I walked in, I saw my surgeon, who was there seeing other ladies prior to their surgery.  The women were in the waiting room, sitting nervously with their mammogram films in the big x-ray folders on their laps.  Some alone, some with their significant others, all about to undergo a life-altering experience.  I felt some butterflies as I thought, “that could be me again…”  I think of the other women that I’ve met there and especially the ones I spent hours with in the chemo room.  Some of them I run into during my visits, and others I never see again.  I like to think that I never see them anymore because they are healthy and cancer-free and try not to think of the alternative.  It’s a bit surreal when I look at my surgeon and think, “that’s the guy who chopped off my breast” – then, I look at my Oncologist and think, “that’s the woman who saved my life.”  Pretty heavy stuff.  I’m a 3 year survivor now, and the fear is always in the back of my mind that I’ll have a recurrence.  For some reason, I was really nervous about it yesterday, but only when I got into the waiting room.  Now, I just have to wait for the bloodwork to come back and hope I get the phone call saying my tumor markers are fine and all is well. Until then, my butterflies and I will try our best to stay positive and stay healthy, one day at a time.