Did I say 30 posts in 30 days?

compassion

So, earlier this month I set a goal for myself – to write and post something every day for 30 days.  I called it my 30 in 30 series.  I was trying to become a more disciplined writer and also to stimulate my creativity. Well, it has ended up being my 13 in 13 series instead – but, I’m ok with that.  One of the hardest things that I’ve had to learn – and have to admit, I’m still learning – is how to take it easy on myself.  I was working really hard to reach my goal of 30 in 30, and was proud of my progress.  But, the other night, I was exhausted and just staring at my computer screen, drawing a blank.  I did not feel creative or inspired, just pressured.  I felt pressure to publish my 14th post in 14 days.  And, where was that pressure coming from?  From me.  Usually, in these circumstances, I push myself, even though I don’t feel up to it, and am really hard on myself if I fall short of my expectations.  This happens a lot, especially when I’m not feeling well – which is quite often.  Having a chronic illness – Lupus – takes a lot out of me, and I often feel guilty when I can’t do as much as I want to or feel I ought to.  I feel guilty when I’m too tired to go to a birthday party with my kids on the weekend or too exhausted to help around the house.  It pains me when I’m lying down after a long day, and my daughter says, “you’re always tired, Mom.”   I’m so tired of being tired and of feeling bad about feeing bad. So, I’m working on learning to give myself a break. I need breaks – and naps. Lots and lots of naps.

compassion

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