Journal entry: July 24th, 2011 (part 2)

Friends have been keeping in touch and coming by. I’m grateful for the support. One day, my friend Apryl came by and dropped off water and chicken soup, then my sister-in-law, Janet, picked up Jada from summer camp – then, my neighbor came by and gave us a lasagna dinner – then, my friend Helen picked up Kayla from day care and stayed until Zetti got home from work around 8:30 pm. She helped entertain the girls and got them dinner. I’m lucky to have so many people care and want to help.

Emotionally I’m doing pretty darn good – I’m positive and just taking things one step at a time. I’m actually pretty impressed with myself 🙂  It’s just weird that I’m working so hard to get through this chemo with the end goal of having my boobs cut off – seems like a strange goal to be working toward, doesn’t it? I know it needs to be done. Apryl told me about t-shirt she saw that said “Yes, these are fake – my real ones were trying to kill me” – I thought that was funny. Maybe if I start thinking of my boobs as the enemy, it will be easier to let them go.  I never thought I was particularly attached to them until people started talking about cutting them off. Well I’ll do what I have to do.  I want o be around to see my children grow up and celebrate 50 years with Zetti.

* I had chemo prior to my mastectomy to shrink the tumors  (also referred to as neoadjuvant chemotherapy)

Journal entry: July 24th, 2011 (part 1)

Had my 3rd chemo Monday. Side effects started sooner and were a little worse than previous. I’m getting nauseous now -the pills help a lot, thank goodness.  Been tired and wiped out, achey and alternate between being constipated and the opposite.  The sleeping pills have been helping, but I usually can’t sleep past 5 am. At least I’m pretty much sleeping through the night now.  Was real shakey the first couple of days – like there was way too much medicine running through my little body. Oh, that’s right – there is! 

Jada’s birthday is coming up – she’ll be 6 years old.  She told me the other day that she had bad dreams about me and Zetti – that she’d never see us again.  She started crying during a movie because she was afraid I would leave her like someone in the movie left their family.  I think she’s really scared about me being sick and I wish there was more I could do to make her feel better. I wonder how this experience is going to affect her in the long run – how it will – or won’t – impact her life.   I hope she can learn good things from it and how to be a strong and positive child/person.

Journal entry: March 13, 2012

I was getting ready to go to Gilda’s Club and I got a message from my Oncologist’s office to give them a call – it was 4:55pm. I thought maybe something was wrong – I just had an appointment a week before and they had already called to tell me my labs came back fine and my tumor markers were normal – but maybe the labs weren’t really fine – maybe they found something else….etc, etc. So, I called right back and waited anxiously on the line for the news.  They finally told me that my Calcium and Vitamin D levels were low, so i need to make sure to take supplements. Whew- I got worried for nothing. But, that’s where I’m at now – little things like a phone call can be so scary, because in the back of my mind there’s always the possibility of the cancer coming back. I guess that will always be there, but I just have to live with that fear and not let it get the best of me.

*Note:  Gilda’s Club is a free support community for anyone touched by cancer. There are locations in various cities throughout the United States that provide a variety of groups, activities and resources to adults, children and families.  For more information, please see their listing under my Resources section.

Journal entry: July, 26, 2011

Had a really bad dream this morning.  End of the world stuff and people trying to kill us and Kayla being in danger.  Told Zetti about it and she said, “do you feel like someone is out to get our family? Maybe that someone is cancer?”  Wow! I thought that was so insightful – it made me go “a-ha!”  It made so much sense.  Well, cancer can try, but it won’t get us –

JOURNAL ENTRY: WED, JULY 6TH, 2011

 

It took me awhile to start writing, which is odd because I used to write so much when I was younger and didn’t feel well.  I think I was just in shock at first, then in survival mode after that.  I’m sitting at the beach now – it’s cloudy and breezy – just stopped raining a little.  Feels good being here and to be writing again.  At first I thought I should be writing down deep thoughts and insights from all the time I’ve had to reflect on things since I’ve been dealing with this breast cancer thing, for lack of a better word.  So, I didn’t write anything.  But, I guess I just wasn’t ready – and, honestly, I haven’t done much reflecting.  I think I was so scared in the beginning, then so relieved when I found out it was curable, then so wiped out from all the tests, doctor’s appointments, surgeries and chemo, that I haven’t been spending much time “soul searching.” What I have realized is I am a strong woman with a strong partner and family.  I learned a long time ago how important attitude and perception are in dealing with physical pain and illness. Shaving my head didn’t really bother me – it was kind of freeing, and I don’t mind the way I look bald. I know in my heart I will be ok – I felt that deep inside when I was first diagnosed in April.  Things could always be worse, and, like my Dad used to say, “every day above ground is a good day.” How very true, Dad

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September 10-11, 2016

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